Dear Alice,
I’m a bisexual woman and have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with a woman for the last few years. The inconsistency is due to the distance between us, but I do care for her deeply. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something—specifically, a connection with a man. I’m not sure if this is because I get more attention from men than women, but I’ve recently been wondering if I’d feel most fulfilled in a committed relationship that includes both a man and a woman. Is it realistic to hope for a healthy relationship with both? I often struggle to find the right chemistry with people in general…
Dear Reader,
It’s commendable that you’re exploring your feelings and desires so thoughtfully. What you’re describing—wanting to build a committed relationship with both a man and a woman—is a concept known as polyamory, which involves having multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved. This is different from polygamy (which involves being legally married to more than one person and is not permitted in the United States). In a polyamorous relationship, all partners are fully aware and supportive of each other’s involvement.
Polyamory isn’t about rejecting monogamy outright but rather acknowledging that monogamy isn’t the best fit for everyone. The idea is that many people can love more than one person, and through open communication and mutual agreement, they can determine the kind of relationship dynamics that work for them.
In the U.S., monogamy has traditionally been the norm, especially when it comes to heterosexual relationships, as seen in the debates surrounding gay marriage and the inclusion of non-heterosexual relationships in sex education. Although there’s still stigma associated with non-monogamous relationships, and those who practice polyamory often face discrimination and choose to keep their relationship style private, there’s growing interest in consensual non-monogamy. In fact, research shows that around one in five Americans have participated in a consensual non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.
There are various reasons why couples might explore non-monogamous relationships. As you and your partner(s) delve into this dynamic, you can align your ethical and philosophical beliefs. However, here are some of the fundamental principles that resonate with many who practice polyamory:
Monogamy isn’t necessarily a natural state for humans.
It’s crucial that non-monogamous relationships are approached with responsibility, ethics, and clear intentions.
Engaging in intimate or sexual relationships with multiple partners within a polyamorous framework is not inherently wrong, harmful, or unhealthy.
Sex can be a positive, fulfilling aspect of life when conducted with honesty, responsibility, and trust.
Love is abundant and not limited; it’s possible to love multiple partners without the expectation to love only one person.
Jealousy doesn’t have to be an inevitable outcome of having multiple partners. Polyamorous individuals often find happiness in their partners being appreciated by others, and if jealousy does arise, they work through it constructively.
Relationships require a significant emotional commitment over time.
As you noted, connecting deeply with even one person can be challenging, let alone with multiple people. As you begin to explore polyamory, it’s vital to have open, honest conversations with your current partner about this potential shift. Monogamous relationships often come with certain expectations, but polyamory offers a more open field where each person’s idea of the relationship may differ greatly. It might be helpful to reflect on what is attracting you to polyamory—is it the search for sexual satisfaction, a deeper emotional connection, or something else? Having a clear understanding of your own desires and needs, and then discussing them with your partner(s), can help you determine if polyamory is the right path for you. Additionally, consider how your current partner fits into this new relationship model.
If both you and your partner agree on exploring polyamory, there are additional questions to discuss. Do you envision maintaining a primary partnership with each other while casually dating others? Would you prefer dating separately or together? What boundaries are important to each of you? How will you handle jealousy if it arises, and what strategies might you use to address it? If you engage in sexual relationships outside your partnership, what safety measures will you both agree on? Are you comfortable being open about your polyamorous lifestyle, or do you prefer to keep it private? Would you consider living with or raising children with more than two people? Setting clear guidelines before embarking on this journey can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Connecting with a community of like-minded individuals can also be beneficial as you explore your interests. You might look for local polyamorous groups or meetups in your area to meet potential partners and supportive friends. Online dating apps and websites can also be useful for finding others—many platforms cater specifically to polyamorous relationships, but you can also use general dating apps, making sure to clearly state in your profile what you’re looking for.
By staying true to your desires and maintaining an open, honest approach, you might discover new and fulfilling romantic possibilities, both now and in the future. With an attitude of openness and a commitment to clear communication, more partners might indeed bring more joy.
